Don’t get me wrong, I love the holidays, and I love giving and receiving gifts. But after all the hassle my office has just gone through deciding how to give the gifts (yankee swap vs. secret santa), the merry has melted right out of the thing. There are so many rules to consider, so many feelings to potentially hurt. Like when the big boss takes the best gift out of the hands of the lowliest office worker, because that’s how you “play.” Or when the poor Jewish person is forced to trade gifts as a Secret Santa (my office elected to go with Secret Snowflake, instead). Or when someone opens your carefully selected, deprived-you-of-sleep yankee swap gift and says, “What kind of gift is this?”

Frankly, I could do without anything from my co-workers. It’s enough for me to take a few hours out of work, eat some good (enough) food from our contracted caterer, and chat with everyone. But some are very adamant about it; last year someone floated the idea that rather than give each other gifts, we collect gifts for a charity. Nice idea, was the response, but we should still do yankee swap, too (and we did, so I bought two gifts instead of one).

Good grief, Charlie Brown.

Come all ye fair and tender shoppers
Be careful how you spend your dough
It’s like a puddle after a rainstorm
It first appears, then there’s no more

Tralala, it’s Buy Nothing Day! If you’re in the US or Canada, that is; in other countries it’s November 24. Buy Nothing Day was founded in 1992 to help us think about how we consume; it’s no accident that it falls on Black Friday, the biggest shopping day of the year. There’s a lot of potential for preachiness with something like this, so I reckon it’s best to approach it in the spirit of having fun and raising awareness. Adbusters has some good ideas for stuff to do, as well as posters you can print out.

Adbusters also makes ads for BND every year, and then tries to get big networks to run them—with varying success. I like this one, which involves mittens (though the music, well, …).

Lots of places will have skillshares and other events, so if you want to get involved, check your local weekly to see what’s happening near you. And if taking your folks to the potluck at the anarchist bookstore sounds implausible, consider designating a surrogate Buy Nothing Day for yourself later in the week–that’s what I’ll likely end up doing.

For more info, consult Treehugger. Everybody now:

Oh stuff is handsome, stuff is charming
And stuff is pretty when it’s new
But so much stuff is made of plastic
And unlike money, it will never go away even when it is no longer useful or appealing or lovely to view

Five years ago I met my Canadian girlfriend, M. I’d like to tell you that we met reaching for Adrienne Rich’s The Dream of a Common Language in our favorite independent bookstore, but we met in typical college fashion, in a gay bar across the river from campus. An athlete and later coach, M always worried about her visa status even though by the end of last year, she’d been living in the country and paying taxes for nearly a decade. Like other naïve Americans, I found it hard to believe that a successful and educated Canadian citizen would have problems immigrating to the United States. I would recall to M how easy it was for my friends and me to cruise beyond the Canadian border in High School to take advantage of the lower drinking age in Thunder Bay. That’s what the border had meant to me…that is, before meeting M.

The fluidity of the border also shifted dramatically post 9/11 as M left graduate school and entered the professional public, landing a coaching position at Harvard University. But even Harvard couldn’t provide visa security and despite having three job offers after leaving, M had to pack up and ship out because no one it seems could convince the government that M deserved working status in America. Of course, if I or M were a man, it would only take a trip to Vegas and a marriage certificate, to keep us together this Thanksgiving.

So, this year, I’m leaving the country to give thanks. Yet, it’s difficult to give thanks when your nation is tearing so many families apart.

So it has been a while since I’ve posted, but when you hear my story, you’ll forgive me.

I am pregnant with my first child (due April 30th), and though I am utterly thrilled, my husband and I didn’t exactly plan the pregnancy. Being the crazy person that I am, I decided that I would get a second (third??) job and work as hard as I could for as long as I could to make some extra cash..afterall, we all know how expensive babies are! So I was happily working an extra 15 hours a week for TripAdvisor, bringing in some dough, and feeling proud and capable.

But these things catch up with a person…especially when the first trimester of pregnancy makes you extremely tired all the time. I was walking home from the subway, rushing to be home in time to start my second job. It was dusk. I was using the only 10 minutes I’d had free all day to call a friend, and…dun, dun, duuuuun…I was hit by a car while crossing the street.

I got a concussion, some stitches in my face, a bruise on my hip and some nasty swollen, strained knees, but the little one was fine…protected by my belly and by the amniotic fluid.

But all of this is just background for my amazing revelation…I just don’t need to do everything by myself. I am looking at the last 6 months of my life where I’ll have time just for myself, where I’ll be able to lie on the couch all day watching movies on Sundays if I want to, where I’ll be able to go out to a movie with my husband without finding a babysitter. So damned if I am going to waste it working 60+ hours a week for a few extra bucks.

If you need me during the next 6 months, you can find me reading (I am currently reading The Witch of Portobello by Paulo Coehlo, and it is fabulous), knitting (check out my newest endeavor, which I found on Knitty.com), catching up on my sleep, and enjoying alone time with my (existing) baby (a.k.a. my husband Andy).

Yay for selfish Julia. She deserves at LEAST 6 months of my life, right?

To change, or not to change, that is the question – my last name, that is. I’m getting married, and I am struggling with this decision. I should note before continuing that my fiance is totally on board with whatever I decide (and even has expressed the opinion that maybe I should keep my own). Also, I am not resistant because his name is long and unpronounceable or anything of that nature – Ott doesn’t cause much confusion. I am, however, resistant to hyphenated last names, which feel a little artificial to me.

I’m really partial to my last name. It defines me. My first initial and last name spell a real word, and it’s actually fitting for my personality. People call me by my full name all the time, because there are so many Sarahs out there. Yes, I share my name with an actress, but that’s kind of good – when you google me, you have to sift through all her pages before you get to any mention of me, and I like it that way. When I imagine going by a different name, I feel uncomfortable. Like I’m masquerading as someone else.

On the other hand, it’s cultural tradition. Our children would have his last name, but mine would be different. People will want to call us the Otts, but I won’t really be one. Maybe his family will be offended. Actually, even my mom said I should change it – “it’s easier with the kids,” she said. And part of me wants to be the Otts, just the way I’m part of the Miles family right now.

Most of my family members have changed their names, except for my aunt (by marriage), who never took ours. I certainly don’t feel offended by that, nor is anyone else, but I know part of her decision was that there were no boys in her family to carry the name. Of course, it is ending with her, since her child shares my uncle’s last name.

Help, ladies, I need advice!

In May, I wrote about my sister’s Two-Bride Bachelorette party. Was it wrong for me to bring both brides to the same party? Would I be depriving one or the other of the naughtiness they deserved on their bachelorette party day?

Well, here’s my update.

Both women (and all of their friends) had a BLAST.

I had T-Shirts made up for the girls with personal messages on the front and “Sorry ladies…I’m taken!” printed on the back. I forced the girls to put them on before we arrived at Maggiano’s Little Italy for a 12-person family-style scrumptious Italian meal.

We then walked around the corner to Jacques Cabaret, the best drag show in town. I even wrote a Yelp review of the place.

Everyone had such a good time. The drinks were strong, the mood was lively, the performers sang the best songs, and I got my sister and her fiancee to wear feather boas. All in all, this was the perfect way to celebrate their last days as bachelorettes. Neither girl felt singled out, both of them got to be a bit naughty, and we all laughed. A lot.

Would you have done something differently if the task was yours?

While you’ve been on vacation, here’s what you’ve missed

-J. Goodrich wrote a meaty article for The American Prospect about how the media portrays Republicans as the “Daddy Party” and Democrats as the “Mommy Party” by strategically using masculine and feminine terminology in their descriptions of candidates like Mitt Romney, Rudy Giuliani and Hillary Clinton.

-South Dakota state rep Joel Dykstra has entered the race for the Republican nomination to the senate, according to this article in The Hill. Dykstra is known to pro-choice activists as the man who called “rape and incest” a buzzword:

“I think ‘rape and incest’ is a buzzword. It’s a bit of a throwaway line and not everybody who says that really understands what that means. How are you going to define that?” –South Dakota state Rep. Joel Dykstra (R-Lincoln County) on why the state legislature didn’t include those exceptions in its abortion ban, April 20, 2006.

-Money Magazine’s Senior Editor Marlys Harris advised women to marry into money in order to get rich.

“Work hard, take risks, maybe build your own business. That’s the traditional route to financial success. Of course, there’s another highly traditional path to acquiring wealth that isn’t talked about quite as much these days: Marry money.”And also:

“To worm your way into a billionaire’s business, and eventually his heart, you need the right career. An M.B.A. will give you the most flexibility.”.

Um…vomit!

Funny how so much can happen while you’re off celebrating this wonderful nation.

My boyfriend and I recently became engaged, and now we are preparing to purchase an engagement ring for me. (Who knew I’d want one so badly?) The only problem is that we don’t want to begin our marriage by feeding the bloody and violent diamond trade.

John Ruskin said it best about glass beads in The Stones of Venice:

“The men who chop up the rods sit at their work all day, their hands vibrating with a perpetual and exquisitely timed palsy, and the beads dropping beneath their vibration like hail. Neither they, nor the men who draw out the rods or fuse the fragments, have the smallest occasion for the use of any single human faculty; and every young lady, therefore, who buys glass beads is engaged in the slave trade, and in a much more cruel one than that which we have so long endeavoured to put down.”

Diamonds, I’m sure you’ll be glad to hear, are much worse. But as with many things, there are degrees of badness.

Conflict Diamonds.

Since the movie release of Blood Diamond last year, awareness of conflict diamonds has risen in the US.

* Conflict diamonds come from mines controlled or seized by rebel groups in various countries. These groups use the profits from the stones to buy guns, foment rebellion, genocide, etc. As you can imagine, labor conditions for those mining these stones are the thirteenth circle of hell.

* In 2000, a bunch of diamond retailers got together and formed the Kimberly Process which is supposed to prevent diamonds from militia groups from being sold. However, the folks over at Amnesty International say this process is full of loopholes, like the fact that there’s no independent oversight and that the process is entirely voluntary. The upshot is there’s no way to know if a diamond is conflict-free.

Diamond Labor Conditions

Just because a diamond isn’t a conflict diamond, doesn’t mean it’s slave-labor free.

* It is impossible to know if your gem was cut by child laborers. Also, many diamond mines have horrible conditions of labor.

Canadian Diamonds

Canada has recently begun mining diamonds. These diamonds are the only ones and the world that you can be certain are slavery-free. All Canadian diamonds come with certificates of authenticity naming the mine of origin from the Canadian government, and many have serial numbers or maple leafs lasered on to the diamond.

Here are some vendors of Canadian Diamonds:

Polar Bear Diamonds
Canadian Arctic Diamonds

These diamonds are available at many stores in the US, and I intend to ask for them specifically. If you’re interested in other gemstones, you might try Fair Trade Gems.

Concerned about gold and platinum, which are even less regulated that diamonds? There is only one place to go — Brilliant Earth, which offers Fair-Trade EVERYTHING.

I don’t what kind of ring I will get, but armed with my research, I hope that I will be starting off my married life with a kiss, and not by participating in the slave trade.

I grew up in a family with five children (I was the fourth), and we ate dinner together every night around a large square table, two to a side. Early on, my mother started the tradition of “sayings” before each meal. We’d go around the table, and each of us would quote words of wisdom from Ehrmann’s Desiderata, If by Rudyard Kipling, the Outward Bound book of quotes, or any place else we could find them.

It was always a challenge to find just the right words to say, because my mother would always ask why we’d chosen that particular quote. Of course, there were “code” quotes. If something bad happened, you’d say “Whether or not it is clear to you, the universe is unfolding as it should.” and if you were fighting with someone (but didn’t want to make a scene) you’d say “discretion is the better part of valor” or “as far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all people.” (from Desiderata).

In retrospect, I can see that my mother used this ritual as a way to understand us. We were encouraged to find new sayings and fresh interpretations of the old ones. She was teaching us how to think, how to read, and how to see bits of ourselves in the words of the authors and thinkers who came before us.

As writers, publishers, readers, and citizens of the world, it’s our job to look to literature for guidance in our present. If my mom asked me to say a saying tonight, I would have said:

“Seek the lofty by reading, hearing, and seeing great work at some moment every day.” –Thornton Wilder

What would you have said?